Taking Your Medicine

“I’ve had nothing but bad luck since the day I saw the cat at my door.” – from “Devil Woman,” sung by Cliff Richards By Gordon Hopkins There is nothing in this world more obstinate than a cat.Seriously, you may think your two-year-old is obstinate, or your aunt who insists she is STILL 39 or that guy who posted on Facebook that there is no congress, they are all created by AI (artificial intelligence) and it must be true because he saw it on someone else’s Facebook page.Come to think of it, that last one might be true.Anyway, back to cats. Yes, they are obstinate like nothing else. At the very end of the universe, when the irresistible force and the immovable object have both given up and gone home, a cat will still be sitting there, refusing to take his medicine.And giving you the middle claw. I knew I was in trouble when I arrived at the vet and they told me I would have to give Archie, my orange cat, his antibiotics myself. They had tried to give him his first dose but they said he was being a little too “spicy.”“Spicy” is a cute way of describing a slavering, uncontrollable beast trying to flay all the flesh from your bones.Yes, Archie was definitely being “spicy.” I had brought him to the vet the day before. I could tell he was sick. He was just laying around. Admittedly, that’s pretty much all he does anyway, which can make it difficult to tell when he is sick. I’ve been around Archie enough to tell the difference between his “I’m lazy” laying around and his “I don’t feel good” laying around. Experienced cat dads will know what I’m talking about.So, I took him to the vet and they confirmed he had a UTI (urinary tract infection), which he’d had before, although it had been a couple of years. Fortunately, there was no blockage and no crystals, which can sometimes happen. He just needed a few doses of antibiotics. Like I said, I’d been through his before, so I was aware of the horror that awaited me. To some extent, anyway. I didn’t realize how much worse he had gotten since the last time.Archie will not willingly take medicine under any circumstances.The vet told me I could put it in food, which I tried even though I knew that would fail miserably. It did. Archie refused to touch it. My first attempt to physically force it down his gullet also failed and involved a significant amount of bloodshed on my part. I realize it is hard to imagine so much trouble can come from a small, orange fluffball. All I can say is, Archie is a lot tougher than he looks. Normally, he is the most laid back of all my cats. Except when it comes to medicine.The problem was, I was outnumbered. I only have two hands. He has four murder mittens, each ending with Freddy Krueger claws. So, I took Archie to the newsroom and got one of my coworkers to help me. I wrapped Archie up in a blanket and tried to hold the dervish in place while my coworker pried his jaws open and shoved the antibiotics down his throat. Archie has jaw muscles like a bear trap, but she still managed to get it down. She also got a claw sunk deep into her hand for her trouble.The next morning, I wanted to avoid going through that trauma again, so I came up with a new plan. Once again, I put the antibiotics into food. This time, I locked Archie in the basement, with nothing else to eat but that one dish of food. Then I went to work. Sooner or later, he would eat it. I was sure of it.I was wrong. Once again, I took Archie to the newsroom for his daily dose. This time, I provided my coworker with a pair of well-padded gloves for protection. It was an ordeal but we got it done.Like so many things in my life (such as this job and spicy foods) I wondered if it was really worth all this trouble. This morning, I crawled out of bed, headed to the kitchen and dished up breakfast for my felines. For the first time in several days, Archie joined the other cats for breakfast. He was clearly feeling better. He rubbed his head against my calf a few times before sticking his face into a bowl of salmon and beef. (My cats eat better than I do.)And this afternoon, he’ll be getting another dose. Keep the bandages on standby.

From Senator Tom Brandt

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