Advice for the Confused Cat Owner

By Gordon Hopkins I have had cats for a long time now and consider myself something of an expert on the feline beast. With that in mind, I thought I would share some of my wealth of knowledge on the subject of cats and answer a few questions from my readers. Q: I can't get my cat to stop destroying my sofa. What do you suggest?A: Buy cheap, plastic lawn furniture. The cat will still destroy your furniture but you won't feel so bad about having to replace it. Q: My cat just lays around all day. Is there something wrong with him?A: Obviously you don't know what a cat is. Q: My cat knocks everything off the kitchen counter. Is there a way to make him stop?A: Museum putty. It is what museums used to affix priceless relics so they don't fall over and get damaged. I use it on everything I don’t want the cats to knock over. You can't pick up anything in my house. Q: I think my cat hates me.A: That is just silly paranoia on your part. Your cat doesn't care about you enough to hate you. Q: I just received a big box of cat toys and cat treats in the mail that I didn't order.A: I think your cat may have hacked your Amazon account. Q: My cat recently chased down and killed a gazelle but didn't eat it all. Is she sick?A: Cats are natural predators and will hunt and kill even when they are not hungry. Also, I think your cat is a cheetah and you should probably think about taking it back to Africa. Also, where in Nebraska do you live that you have gazelles running around? Q: I am a vegan and I want my cat to be vegan, too, but my cat doesn't like any of the meat substitutes I give her. What do you recommend?A: I recommend you give her some meat or, some night quite soon, she is going to eat you. Q: I got a barn cat two months ago, but I still don't have a barn. How long does it take before I get the barn?A: Barn cats live in barns. They don't build barns. I think you may be confusing cats with the Amish. Q: My cat recently robbed a jewelry store in Gotham City. What should I do?A: That is not a cat. That is Cat Woman. I'm only answering questions about cats, although I would recommend that you consult with an attorney if your house is being used as a hideout by comic book jewel thieves.

Melvin J. Beran

Fairbury Woman Faces Felony Drug Charge

Related Articles

Are Marshmallow Peeps the New Pumpkin Spice?

Again

Time Marches On (But I Don’t)

The Year of the Fire Horse