The Paper Chase

By Gordon Hopkins Sometimes life imitates art. Sometimes art imitates life. Sometimes, a bad joke has more truth in it than the joker realizes.As has been reported in many news outlets, including this one, the Kansas court's computer systems have now been down for approximately six weeks, give or take. Previously described as a “security incident,” the cause of the outage is now being called a “sophisticated foreign cyberattack.”The state has been forced to implement a number of workarounds to keep the wheels of justice turning. No longer able to submit court filings electronically, the court has been forced to go “old school” and use paper files.My loyal readers (both of you) may recall that I have a not inconsiderable collection of vintage (or, at least, really, really old) typewriters. Those same readers my also remember a few weeks ago when I wrote a jokey column about renting out my typewriters to Kansas.Well, it turns out that column contained a bit more truth than I realized. See, my crazy sister has been working at the courthouse in Abiline and she noticed some of the old-timers were unhappy about having to fill out all those paper forms. One fellow in particular roused her sympathy, a deputy county attorney who I gather has been working there since leisure suits were a thing.I have a couple of nieces who have reached typing age, so I gave them each a sample from my collection. (Not any of my favorite typewriters, obviously.) Actually, they are one of my niece's daughters, so I guess that makes them grand-nieces. (Technically, the correct term is “great-nieces,” but I can't bring myself to call them that. I mean, they're okay but I think “great” is pushing it.)One girl in particular loves her typewriter. I gave her a 1960s Olympia Splendid 99, with a cream-colored body and deep red keys. For a typewriter buff, it is a thing of beauty.She bangs out poetry and then hangs them on the walls. When I say “bangs,” I mean that quite literally. She hits those keys hard. Remember, typing on a manual typewriter is not like typing on a computer keyboard and miles away from tapping away on a phone. It takes real foot pounds of energy to put a letter directly onto a piece of paper.I guess it is therapeutic. So she was not happy when my sister, her grandmother, loaned her typewriter to that poor, old attorney. The attorney, however, was very happy indeed. He much preferred using a typewriter over a computer. If he had his way, those computers would stay down till he retired.But my grand-niece wanted her typewriter back. So, after a few weeks, my sister asked me to borrow another machine. I opted for a gray 1950s Olympia SM3, one of the finest typers ever constructed.Unfortunately for Mr. Attorney, my sister found a new job and he was forced to give up the typewriter. (Hey, I said it was a loan, not a gift.)I am now thinking Gordon's Typewriter Rental may be a viable business venture after all.

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